First Impressions
Many of my articles are inspired by the Fisher family dinner table, but this month’s is from the Taylor Swift concert. I have witnessed thousands of families, many of them with young children (vast majority daughters), here for what will be a very special memory. These families are all doing their best to raise their kids the “right way”. That said, it is interesting (at at times amusing) that they are bonding over songs that feature several significant F bombs, and some very adult themes - and these 7 to 10 year olds know every single word. So now you are thinking, “Dr. Fisher is going to get preachy.” Quite the contrary, I don’t actually believe in the concept of “swear” words. It’s incredibly silly that I can write “F bomb” and “#@$%” and be considered appropriate, but if I were to write out those four letters, my article would most likely not get into a high school newsletter. I am just glad these families were spending a special evening together that they will remember for a lifetime, and I am glad that our society's feigned shock at hearing “swear” words didn’t get in the way of those memories.
I have a confession: around friends and family I swear more than average, but for those of you who know me professionally, you likely have never heard me swear. Now reader, it’s your turn, go ahead and get it off your chest, you swear too - sometimes like a sailor. Good, I hope you feel better. We both swear - but not around each other in professional interactions. Your kids also know you swear by the way. In fact, they are likely learning the best, most effective ways to swear from their parents. So as parents, how do we deal with this contradiction? The reality that in our private lives, many of us (and I know not all) swear, but we are trying to raise our children in a world where we are supposed to be shocked and offended by an arbitrary list of words? We have to acknowledge and talk to our kids about the contradiction and teach them the rules of society, as silly as they may be.
First, let kids know that both your “at home self” and “work self” are equally real. You are not being fake by not swearing at work or church or in public, that is just as much the real you as the one that dropped an F bomb when they stubbed their toe in the kitchen. Second, let them know that if they hope to get ahead they need to learn how to talk to adults in polite society, because first impressions are everything. These skills must be learned for face to face conversations, as well as texts and emails. Your kids have learned some terrible communication habits through texting and interactions with other kids. As parents, we need to find real world examples to train them so they are prepared for job interviews and succeeding as young adults. My own parents started early, with trick or treating. If we were not polite we would get an earful. We couldn’t even say “thanks”, it had to be “thank you”. That might sound extreme, but it was a valuable lesson and overcorrecting leads to still acceptable results if your guard falls a little. In an important interview, if I slipped and said “thanks” that is much better than forgetting the expression of gratitude all together. And I am forever grateful for the time my parents spent on teaching me manners. Speaking correctly to adults in positions of authority opened up a ton of doors for me that still pays dividends to this day.
What my parents didn’t have to deal with, was teaching me how to text. We used Scouts to teach many of these skills. It was painful to witness how our Scoutmaster was communicated with by our kids, and they are “polite” by most standards. Sample text, “Hey, I can meet at 5 PM Tuesday to go over my badge.” No, no, no! You cannot text a working adult, volunteering their time with the opener, “Hey” and then tell them what time you can meet! Our oldest had no idea the insanity of telling an adult working 50 hours a week, with a family, the exact time and day that is convenient for them, the high schooler. The correct text should have been, “Hello Mr. Soandso. Thank you for offering to help me with my badge. Is there a time next week that is good for you that we can meet? Thanks again! Fred” But they don't know this, they haven’t learned how to communicate with adults and in polite society. You are their only chance to learn these skills, so take every opportunity you see. Just like at the concert, it is okay to tell your kid, “Taylor Swift drops F bombs occasionally to emphasize her lyrics to let you know how intensely she feels those emotions. She is very successful, but I promise you when she walked into her first meeting with a record label to try to get signed, she did not drop an F bomb. I bet she even used good eye contact, and when it was done, said thank you.” This is a critical lesson - that there is a time and a place for everything, and teens struggle differentiating those circumstances, but your advice can go a long way.
Until next time, good luck parenting (and watching your mouth),
Dr. William Fisher
Fisher Pediatrics
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